Friday, June 10, 2016

Gradual Change...Place Your Bets

As I contemplated the meaning of what is happening in his life right now, my mind bounced around the last 18 years like the little ball on the Roulette Wheel. Where will it land? Where will he land? But then I realized that he’s not going to “land” anywhere just yet, ever really. We never actually become stationary beings do we? We may stay put for a few rotations of the wheel, but once the spinning starts again, back to bouncing we go. Such is life.

Since I could not allow myself to focus on any one thought about this next chapter in his life, this next spin of the wheel, I chose to go to a concrete source for answers, the Webster’s Dictionary.

graduate
[noun, adjective graj-oo-it, -eyt; verb graj-oo-eyt] 
noun
1.    a person who has received a degree or diploma on completing a course of study, as in a university, college, or school.
2.    a student who holds the bachelor's or the first professional degree and is studying for an advanced degree.
3.    graduated cylinder, used for measuring.
adjective
4.    of, relating to, or involved in academic study beyond the first orbachelor's degree:
5.    having an academic degree or diploma:
verb (used without object), graduated, graduating.
6.    to receive a degree or diploma on completing a course of study (oftenfollowed by from):
7.    to pass by degrees; change gradually.

The first six versions of the definition were not exactly what I was seeking. Granted, all are accurate; however finite. Number 7 is what I was after with its fluidity. “To pass by degrees; change gradually.” This is what it means to transition from this stage of life, the way it’s been for the past 13+ years, to the next unknown phase. There will be no sudden transformation, no monumental occurrence, which will define the rest of time. If we are fortunate, life happens by degrees; events change gradually. What a relief! Now that is something I can work with. I think he will be comforted in knowing this as well.

The thing about being the parent of a child with atypical needs is that somewhere along the way, you are bound to experience the most intense level of protective you might ever feel. This tends to become evident around the time you first sit across the table from a committee who is there to make decisions about said child’s education. At least it was this way for us. We value education in our family. The fact that our youngest son’s Roulette Wheel spin resulted in him being born with a progressive tumor disorder, which often comes with the added bonus of learning disabilities, was not going to alter this value for this child. In fact, our dedication to setting him up for success was relentless. Okay, his Dad is a Neuropsychologist and his Mom has a Masters degree in Education! Of course, the added credibility, sitting at the table in those meetings, on his behalf was a benefit, but we never did believe in coincidences. We would have done whatever it took to narrow down his odds and give him the least restrictive and most productive environment regardless of our education and training.

We also didn’t create any illusions. We expected that he would work hard and that he would invest himself in his success. Our expectations were the same for all of our kids; apply yourself, take your education seriously, shoot for the moon and never settle for mediocrity, unless that was your personal best. We didn’t reward grades. We rewarded effort, improvement, and attitude. Mostly though, we would never put more stock in their success than they put in themselves. This child was no different. And he demonstrated that year after year. His determination took our expectations straight into outer space!

Our son was already 4 years 11 months when the district firmly denied him a second year of Special Education preschool. After all, they offered a Young Kindergarten class for all students who were not quite ready for Kindergarten, but had been through preschool. This was a one-size-fits-all mentality and it would suffice for all students…despite my insistence that this student was not ready for that level of independence. The same classroom teacher, who had belittled my protests in the placement meeting, took exactly one week of having our student in her class to agree with me. He effectively set the precedent in the district. Never again would a child who was not ready, be forced to attend the Young K program. Score one for us!

When we were trying to make a decision about placement for Kindergarten, we were given two options by our public elementary school: A K-1 self-contained classroom or…somewhere else. Five minutes in this classroom was enough for me to know that the only option was not an option. We had to dig deep, but we were able to find a private school setting with low student/teacher ratios and combined age levels, which ended up being a perfect fit. From there (when the school closed down 2 years later as a result of poor management) it was back to our local public school and a 2/3 Special Ed classroom; a 12/1/1 (12 students, one Special Education teacher, one aide). It wasn’t ideal, but we adored the teacher and she adored our son. He started mimicking some behaviors that weren’t his own and wasn’t really progressing the way we had hoped. Once you are slotted into that setting, they push you through in that setting and he had to change schools in 4th grade to be in the “appropriate” classroom. At this point in time, our child also knew that he was misplaced and he vocalized his objections. We took a giant leap for 5th grade and spun that oppressive wheel once again to find out if he could succeed in a co-taught class with 24 students and 2 teachers, 1/3 of which were special needs.

This was the point in time that I can truthfully say that he started to shine. He met another boy, so much like himself, and they bonded. He had his first honest to goodness, no holds barred, friend and we started to see him gain confidence, develop a sense of humor and become radiant. This was the year he emerged from his cocoon and he became transformed. Who knew that taking that chance, challenging him to a new standard, would give him wings?

5th Grade Buddies



Friends for life

He stayed in co-taught classes through the end of twelfth grade with more intense subject matter and higher level learning and not once did we think we’d pushed him too hard. Quite the contrary, we encouraged him to take risks and made certain that he had a safety net in place at all times, even though he didn’t always know it was there. The boy who we were told might never accomplish much of anything, the one who we were not supposed to expect a lot from, is now going to graduate High School with honors and has enrolled in Community College for the fall. He thinks he wants to study animal science. He also obtained a driver’s license this spring, voted in his first Presidential Primary, started a part-time job and opened a checking account. Shame on those who tried to place limits on the prospects of this child!



The ball is bouncing and the wheel is spinning and it’s going to land just where it is supposed to land and I cannot control the outcome. I influenced what I could along the way, I encouraged, I supported, I informed, I taught, I applauded, I ached and I prayed in order to increase his chances of a win, and that was the extent of my abilities. Now it’s up to him. Now it’s his turn to take the reins and place his bets and I’m reluctant to let go; to walk away from the table and relinquish my role. I know that I don’t have any say in the matter. I brought him into this life and I nurtured him along but it is his life to live and to make mistakes in. It’s up to him to learn from his mistakes and to push on and to celebrate his victories.

But when your child began at a disadvantage and when he has labored every step of the way; had a new challenge at each intersection and didn’t get to be one of the typical kids, letting go is nearly impossible. I hope he knows how difficult this time will be for me so he can cut me some slack when maybe I hover or helicopter, or whatever I do that doesn’t help him to feel independent. I hope he knows that I can’t stand to see him struggle with mundane tasks because he has already had so many significant battles in his life. He has to know this because I couldn’t bear to be the one who held him back in the end, after thwarting the attempts of anyone who tried it along the way. He will know because he knows how much I love him and the one thing about me I am most confident that he understands, is that I will fight for him. I will always fight for him. Go ahead and spin wheel of fortune, this boy is ready for your next challenge!

 “Fear is going to be a player in your life, but you get to decide how much. You can spend your whole life imagining ghosts, worrying about your pathway to the future, but all there will ever be is what’s happening here, and the decisions we make in this moment, which are based in either love or fear.So many of us choose our path out of fear disguised as practicality. What we really want seems impossibly out of reach and ridiculous to expect, so we never dare to ask the universe for it.”
~Jim Carrey, Commencement speech