On July 7, 1997, I married the man who I believed in with
every ounce of my being. It was a civil ceremony. We had both been married
before and each of us had two young children whose needs we were obligated to
consider, and two not yet realized. Our vows were not just to one another, but
to the family that we were about to create. The odds were against us. 70% of
second marriages with children fail. We were bound and determined to beat the
odds. It wasn't easy. Actually, it is damn hard at times. In addtion to the second marriage stats, there are the stats against couples with special needs children. It has been documented that there is a higher divorce rate in these families than in the general population. In some ways, for us, having our son with NF was the glue that bound us together.
With our mutual devotion to the NF cause and our unwavering support for our son, we have always had this point of cohesion. I am aware of the blame factor that happens between couples in our situation. There is also often jealousy that comes into play with the demands for time that a child with special needs requires. We have been very fortunate not to have fallen into these two traps of marital destruction. I suppose part of that was due to the multiple other dynamics, all vying for attention, in our union, but whatever it is, I am thankful for it because I know myself well enough to understand that this would have been my breaking point.
On September 7, 2003 despite the huge obstacles and impossible probability, we consecrated our marriage under God in a religious ceremony, surrounded by our family and our friends. It was an incredibly meaningful and spiritual day. Again, we took vows. This time our promises included six children, one another and a higher power. This was not a decision that we took lightly. It was a renewal and a new beginning all at once.
Today, we have reached our 18th year of
matrimony. The number 18 has tremendous significance in Judaism. It is the
number Chai, which means living or being. Since life is the highest of all
blessings, this number carries great weight. Marriage is not passive. It is
active, with constant energy needed to sustain its life; its Chai. The
dedication and commitment that is made in a ceremony of marriage, is not to be
forsaken and Peter and I have had to remind ourselves and each other of that
many times through these 18 years. We have so many lives, including our own and
our pledge before God, who depend on us to continue to defy the odds of second
marriages and we remain true to that, even when it has felt impossible.
Our 18 years have had beautiful moments: the births of our two children, Jesse and Alexa, the B’nai Mitzvahs of all our children, the graduations, accomplishments and family togetherness that we embraced. There has been loss, imperfections and heartache as well; as is with life, or Chai, which we have somehow managed to survive together. There is only one thing that I want for our Chai anniversary. That one thing, is actually not a thing at all, it is a philosophy. I want us to have the clarity to remember this day 18 years ago and everything that brought us together, everything that kept us together through the last 18 years and to foresee a future of being together for the next 18.
L’Chaim, to Life!
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| Chai-ya! Take that, Statistics! |
